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大部分写作不好的考生大作文容易出现的问题是表达空洞重复，没有实际内容。往往一个段落洋洋洒洒写了100多字，却在实际查看的时候发现这个段落topic sentence开始就是空洞的用词和表达，又或者除了topic sentence，整个段落都是空洞的语言，但内容上没有实际进展。下面，就这几种情况一一进行说明并探讨如何提升表达。 问题一：Topic sentence表达空洞 例1： 2015.12.12 Some people think that children should spend more time and energy on reading stories in books rather than watching TV or playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree? 许多考生在对watching TV or playing computer games进行探讨时，topic sentence 写成： Watching TV or playing computer games is harmful to children. 这个句子首先是个假命题，也就是说这样的论证不符合逻辑顺序。因为一定程度的看电视和玩游戏对孩子来说是很好的放松方式，只是小孩子这个群体的一个特点是自制力差，所以很容易沉溺于其中。因此主题句写成harmful 是片面的。可以改成： Exposing children to excessive TV program and computer games is harmful to children. 例2：C10T3 Countries becomes similar because people can buy same products everywhere in the world. Do you think the positive outweigh negative? 有考生在表达优点topic sentence写成： Buying same products everywhere in the world is convenience. 这样的表达对于客体指代不清，太过宽泛。可以改成： Buying same products everywhere in the world brings convenience to customers. 当然，convenience 是没有任何实际的含义的，这只是一个引子，下面印出来的是具体的便利，比如：降低购买成本，节约时间，有更多选择等。 总之，考生对topic sentence的表达注意两点：一是一定要准确，不能为了表达某一方面的内容而出现假命题，二是内容表达完整，不可漏掉 事件主体客体。 问题二：段落扩展内容空洞 例1： 2015.12.12 (具体题目见上文) 考生段落： There is no doubt that reading stories in books can cultivate the imagination . This will improve the creative mind of children, which provides them opportunities to overcome difficulties with creative mind. As a result, children are capable for the job demanding creative thoughts and achievements with high-efficiency. 这个段落的问题1.没有解释清楚读书可以培养想象力的原因。考生在进行段落扩展时，必须秉承一个原则：读者对你的观点一无所知。跳过了原因，会使整个段落逻辑表达不清;2.段落的表达变成了想象力的优点，而不是读书可以给孩子带来的好处。所以，在讲好处的过程中，考生需要回去扣题，点出读书带来的优点;3.整个段落的表达用词较大，比如imagination, creative mind, achievements, high-efficiency, 用在孩子身上不切实际，不能说明读故事书实际给孩子带来的好处。 可改成： Reading stories in books cultivates the imagination of children.(Topic sentence) When reading ,they image the roles and surroundings in books revealed by words simultaneously. (Cause) As a result, to those who have the habit of reading, they have more chance to build the creative mind, which is more helpful for them to flexibly solve problems met in their daily study and living. (effect or practical value). Cause effect practical value, 通过这样的方式进行扩展，对topic sentence进行分析并且通过practical value 将读书的好处最后又拉回到了实际问题的解决上，解释清楚了问题同时又不显得内容空洞宽泛。 例2. C10T1 task2It is important to help children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Some people think that punishment is necessary. Do you agree or disagree? What other punishment do you think is helpful for parents and teachers to take? 考生段落： It is unquestionable that punishment can stop children misbehavior. However, children at an early age are too young to judge the reason of being punished, which cannot prevent their next mistake. At the same time, physical punishment brings trauma to children growing whether on their body or on their spirit. 这个段落的问题：1.优点后进行转折不充分;2.对punishment不能帮孩子判识是非的理由讲的不透彻，全部都是结果性语言，因为缺乏过程分析和分析性语言，所以整个表达缺乏说服力。 可以改成： It is unquestionable that punishment is the direct way to deter the misbehavior of children. However, children, at the early age, are too young to judge the reason of being punished and worse still, since the bad modeling of parents and teachers, they think that bulling others is acceptable. Also, physical punishment brings children trauma unintended by parents and teachers. 这段的扩展方法为对比论证，主要说明惩罚不能帮助小孩子达到辨识是非的结果。第一句为让步句，惩罚只组织了行为但不能达到结果，接着两个结果来说明危害，危害一为引发暴力行为，危害二为会给孩子留下父母老师未预料到的创伤。这样会增强说服力，并且通过连接词，增强整个段落的逻辑性。 总之，考生在进行段落描写，不管是topic sentence还是段落扩展，必须避免空洞表达，而想做到这一点，一是进行完整表达，即一句话中一个事件的主体和客体必须表达完整，再就是段落扩展过程必须秉承读者对自己的观点一无所知这一原则，对于原因影响建议这种逻辑论证，进行充分描写不可漏写或跳写，同时需要增加连接词对整个段落的逻辑进行细化，让整个段落内容充分，逻辑顺畅。 (责任编辑：jasmine) |
